Domestic violence is a serious threat for many women.
Know the signs of an abusive relationship and how to leave a dangerous situation.
Your partner apologizes and says the hurtful behavior won't happen again — but you fear it will. At times you wonder whether you're imagining the abuse, yet the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you might be experiencing domestic violence.
Recognize domestic violence
Domestic violence — also called intimate partner violence — occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. Abuse by a partner can happen to anyone, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. Domestic violence can happen in heterosexual and same-sex relationships.
Abusive relationships always involve an imbalance of power and control. An abuser uses intimidating, hurtful words and behaviors to control a partner.
It might not be easy to identify domestic violence at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. You might be experiencing domestic violence if you're in a relationship with someone who:
- Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
- Prevents or discourages you from going to work or school or seeing family members or friends
- Tries to control how you spend money, where you go, what medicines you take or what you wear
- Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
- Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
- Threatens you with violence or a weapon
- Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
- Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
- Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
If you're in a same-sex relationship or if you're bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing abuse if you're in a relationship with someone who:
- Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity
- Tells you that authorities won't help you because of your sexuality or gender identity
- Justifies abuse by questioning your sexuality or gender identity
Pregnancy, children, family members and domestic violence
Sometimes domestic violence begins — or increases — during pregnancy. Domestic violence puts your health and the baby's health at risk. The danger continues after the baby is born.
Even if your child isn't abused, simply witnessing domestic violence can be harmful. Children who grow up in abusive homes are more likely to be abused and have behavioral problems than are other children. As adults, they're more likely to become abusers or think abuse is a normal part of relationships.
You might worry that telling the truth will further endanger you, your child or other family members — and that it might break up your family. But seeking help is the best way to protect yourself and your loved ones.
Break the cycle
If you're in an abusive situation, you might recognize this pattern:
- Your abuser threatens violence
- Your abuser strikes
- Your abuser apologizes, promises to change and offers gifts
- The cycle repeats itself.
You may also wonder if the abuse is your fault — a common point of confusion among survivors of domestic abuse that may make it more difficult to seek help.
Don't take the blame
You may not be ready to seek help because you believe you're at least partially to blame for the abuse in the relationship. Reasons may include:
- Your partner blames you for the violence in your relationship. Abusive partners rarely take responsibility for their actions.
- Your partner only exhibits abusive behavior with you.
Abusers are often concerned with outward appearances and may appear charming and stable to those outside of your relationship. This may cause you to believe that his or her actions can only be explained by something you've done. - Therapists and health care providers who see you alone or with your partner haven't detected a problem.If you haven't told your health care provider about the abuse, they may only take note of unhealthy patterns in your thinking or behavior. This can lead to a misdiagnosis. For example, survivors of intimate partner violence may develop symptoms that resemble chronic disorders such as irritable bowel syndrome or fibromyalgia. Exposure to intimate partner violence also increases your risk of mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
- You have acted out verbally or physically against your abuser,yelling, pushing or hitting your partner during conflicts. You may worry that you are abusive, but it's much more likely that you acted in self-defense or intense emotional distress. Your abuser may use such incidents to manipulate you, describing them as proof that you are the abusive partner.
Unique challenges
- If you're an immigrant, you may be hesitant to seek help out of fear that you will be deported. Language barriers, lack of economic independence and limited social support can increase your isolation and your ability to access resources. Call a national domestic violence hotline for guidance. These services are free and protect your privacy.
- If you're an older woman, you may face challenges related to your age and the length of your relationship. You may have grown up in a time when domestic violence was simply not discussed. You or your partner may have health problems that increase your dependency or sense of responsibility.
- If you're in a same-sex relationship, you might be less likely to seek help after an assault if you don't want to disclose your sexual orientation. If you've been sexually assaulted by another woman, you might also fear that you won't be believed.
At first, you might find it hard to talk about the abuse. But understand that you are not alone and there are experts who can help you. You'll also likely feel relief and receive much-needed support.
Create a safety plan
Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. Consider taking these precautions:
- Call a women's shelter or domestic violence hotline for advice. Make the call at a safe time — when the abuser isn't around — or from a friend's house or other safe location.
- Pack an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes and keys. Leave the bag in a safe place. Keep important personal papers, money and prescription medications handy so that you can take them with you on short notice.
- Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there.
Protect your communication and location
An abuser can use technology to monitor your telephone and online communication and to track your location. If you're concerned for your safety, seek help. To maintain your privacy:
- Use phones cautiously. Your abuser might intercept calls and listen to your conversations. An abusive partner might use caller ID, check your cellphone or search your phone billing records to see your call and texting history.
- Use your home computer cautiously. Your abuser might use spyware to monitor your emails and the websites you visit. Consider using a computer at work, at the library or at a friend's house to seek help.
Where to find help
In an emergency, call 911 or your local emergency number or law enforcement agency. The following resources also can help:
- Someone you trust. Turn to a friend, loved one, neighbor, co-worker, or religious or spiritual adviser for support
- Your health care provider. A health care provider typically will treat injuries and can refer you to safe housing and other local resources.
- A local court. A court can help you obtain a restraining order that legally mandates the abuser to stay away from you or face arrest. Local advocates might be available to help guide you through the process.
And more importantly, there are people out there trained to help you. Make sure you reach out and accept it. Recovering from domestic violence is not something you should try to do alone. With patience and persistence you can heal and move on with your life.
Here are some Departments who can help you, if you need someone to talk to, connect to them:
NATIONAL MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS HOTLINE
- 1553 - Luzon-wide Landline Toll-free
- 0966-351-4518 | 0917-899-8727 - GLOBE / TM Subscribers
- 0908-639-2672 - SMART / SUN / TNT Subsribers
- Facebook - ncmcrisishotline
- Hotlines: 02-894-COVID (02-894-26843) and 1555
- SMS Send "TXT PNP to 2920"
- Facebook: Philippine National Police
- Hotlines: 177
- Child Helpline: 0968-7311032
- (+632) 8353-0667 / (+632) 8524-1512 / 8554-8400 loc. 2545
- pgh.cpu@gmail.com
- (+632) 8404-3954 / 8525-5555 loc. 7008; (+632) 8404-3955
- Globe: 0915-7807884
- Smart: 0968-2957977
- cpn@childprotectionnetwork.org
- (632) 931-8101 to 07
- inquiry@dswd.gov.ph
- https://www.dswd.gov.ph
- Hotlines: (02) 8929-9436 local 106, 107 or 159 (local “0” for operator); (63) 939 – 3233665
- Email address: pao_executive@yahoo.com
NDRRMC Hotline: National Disaster Risk Reduction and Management Council
- Telephone hotlines: (02) 911-1406, (02) 912-2665, (02) 912-5668, (02) 911-1873
- Facebook Page: NDRRMC
- BFP NCR Hotline (02) 729-5166 9
- BFP Information Desk (02) 410-631
- MMDA Road Emergency Group 882-3993; 882-4151; 882-4152; 882-4153 to 77
- MMDA Metrobase Hotline 136
- MMDA towing hotline - 136
- MMDA Flood Control - 882-4177
- Road Safety Hotline - 319
- Public Safety Hotline - 374
- Road Emergency Hotline - 320
- Facebook: MMDA
- Land Transportation Office Text Hotline Text LTOHELP to 2600
- DOTr Public Assistance Center - 7890
- LTFRB Hotline - 1342
- Hotlines 143; (02) 527-0000; (02) 527-8385 to 95
- Twitter @philredcross
